Motivational gurus harp on about the power of desire as if it’s the only force in the universe that will get you off your behind and live the great life ‘you deserve’. You need: ‘White hot desire’, ‘burning desire’, ‘all consuming passion’, a ‘magnificent obsession’.
Fine. That probably works for the majority of people.
Personally, I have tried for years to motivate myself this way yet when I light my ‘firework of desire’ it tends to go 50-feet with a whizz and then makes that ‘phrewwfffff’ kind of sound when it fizzles out.
It sounds funny but I’ve actually got quite upset about it: I honestly wondered if something was wrong with me. But then again, perhaps I am just motivated in a different (or more complicated) way. And recently I think I discovered what the difference that makes a difference (thanks Gregory Bateson) was.
I’m going to share it with you but first I want to take you to a land far-far away (not a Shrek reference!) and zoom in on to a guy paddling a kayak alone on a river in the South-American jungle… it’s midday, the sun searingly hot on his back, he’s not wearing a hat or suncream. A couple of miles into the paddling and his limbs are starting to get that deep ache of protest. His back is hurting from sitting bolt-upright and a mile later he’s berating the day he agreed to go ‘for a little paddle’.
The current is against the kayak but there’s no turning back… every subsequent stroke of the paddle becomes an act of will – it’s paddle or stay out there. It’s jungle either side. So paddle – or stay out there – and burn. So he paddled…and paddled – ignoring the screaming of his muscles and back – and paddled.
On that day I was forced to make the full 5 mile river journey – because I ‘had to’. I literally had no choice and because of this dug deeper than I’ve ever had to in my comfortable Western life. If this had been on a lake in the UK I would have given up long before.
But it taught me that if I had no choice in the matter I would do what it takes to achieve the goal.
That, I think, is the crux of the issue – removing the choice. We in the West have too much choice NOT to do things. So we don’t. But when you realise there are certain things you ‘need’ to do – no argument, hands down, ‘need’ to do and you have no choice but to do them if you want to succeed, you will do them.
The misunderstood side of ‘must’
In Neuro-Linguistic-Programming (NLP) circles the words ‘must’ ‘have to’ and ‘needs to’ have got a bad reputation.
They are known as ‘modal operators of necessity’ because they impose or create a frame that something has to be done. This in turn can create limitations when a person feels that an internal sense of obligation prevents them from making other choices.
NLP Practitioners learn to challenge these words and a typical conversation fragment using these challenges might go as follows:
Client: “But I have to visit my mother every day.”
Practitioner: “Have to? [with exaggerated voice on that ‘have’] Who’s making you?
Client: “Well, no-one.”
Practitioner: “So it’s you making you. What would happen if you chose not to visit her every day?”
Client: “Well, I’d feel bad but nothing else really.”
These ‘modal operators’ are tackled by the NLP Meta-Model challenges – an excellent questioning tool for getting high quality information – and these questions challenge limitations. So the frame for many personal development practitioners (especially NLP Practitioners) is that these words are ‘bad’ and need to be dealt with harshly.
Albert Ellis, one of the creators of the cognitive-therapy movement called the overuse of ‘must’s, ‘musterbation’: In How to Stubbornly Refuse to be Miserable About Anything Ever Again he says you ‘must’ passionately argue with your obligation thinking. Michael Hall says you need to stop ‘shouldn’t on yourself.
But NLP also has a principle that all behaviours were once useful in some context. So where is ‘must’,
‘should’ and ‘have to’ useful?
My proposition is that you combine them with ‘want to’ – so when you must do something AND you want to – then you have dual source
of motivation power. For me unless I HAD to do something, the commitment was not there. But when I had to – and I wanted to – it was.
Why ‘Must’ is a Must
Knowing that you have no choice can have the effect of settling an issue. Some things in life (maybe many) depend
on an If…then…must formulation whether you like it or not.
- If you want to lose weight then you must eat less than you burn off.
- If you want to be financially wealthy then you must educate yourself in financial literacy.
- If you want to master a disciple then you must put in the practice, sometimes 10,000 hours*
I realise that the absoluteness of these statements is questionable and there are always exceptions to the rule. But don’t look at the exceptions too long or you’ll end up with nothing, having failed to apply the rule.
Exercise
- Recall a time when you absolutely had to do something whether you liked it or
not. No backing down, you had to do it. - Remember how that felt, allow your posture to adjust to reflecting the way it felt
at the time. Breath the same way. Look out of the eyes of necessity. - When you feel that strongly, think about something you need to do but are not
yet utterly committed to. - Allow those thoughts and feelings to envelop, change and transform the way you think
and feel. - How does it feel to realise if you want those results you will have to do
this? - How much easier does it seem now to decide you are going to do it?
Conclusion
My previous business mentor Michelle Duval said that for her “commitment is freedom”. After years of ambivalence
(which I assure you is more painful than commitment) I now know what she means. To be able to give myself 100% to what I am doing – because I have to if I want to succeed – is pure joy – I never knew that being focused could feel so good and work so well.
If you want to unleash your power – then commit and focus to giving it 100% – because you have to.
Authors bio is coming up shortly. 
