Everyone knows someone who’s a bit of a perfectionist, right? (It might even be you.)
From the lady who won’t go out until her makeup is just right to the would-be entrepreneur who won’t turn in his business plan until it covers all the bases,
perfectionism seems to be driven by the desire for excellence. And sometimes it is.
We sometimes mock those who have very high standards but those are the often the people we turn to for help. They’re the professionals, those who get the job
done, and done well.
However,there’s something slightly neurotic about perfectionism, something ‘behind the veil’ – a dark secret or three that the perfectionist wants to hide from you -
and perhaps from themselves.
- Fear.
- Fear of not being good enough.
- Fear of being judged not good enough.
- Fear that comes from judging oneself not good enough.
But behind those I agree with Susan Jeffers who wrote Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, that there’s an even more primal fear. The fear of not being able to cope with the judgments that others make or we make about ourselves.
Think about it – if you really don’t care what others think about your hair because YOU like it, you’re not going to be afraid of their comments. You can cope with
their thoughts because they don’t matter to you as much as your own do.
Even if the comments do bother you, if you have the right mindset you can feel upset, but later take a deep breath and move on.
But if you are looking to other people as the source of your validation, you’re in trouble.
Otherpeople (even your best friends) do not always have you best interests at heart.
They will hurt you because they’re human.
You cannot entrust your perceptions of your worth, or the worth of your work to
other people.
I know. I did it for YEARS. Yes, you do need to take feedback but the trick is to learn how not to personalise
it. You need to learn how to validate yourself. I can’t tell you how much work that will take you because we’re all at different places but you need to make a
start so you can fulfill more of your potential.
Want some more reasons?
Perfectionism leads to depression, performance anxiety, and low self-esteem. Perfectionism leads to procrastination and before you know it, days, months and years have
gone by. Do you want to get to 90 and look back on your life with the only reason that you didn’t enjoy more of your life being that the people around you didn’t approve
of your thinking or ideas?
Then what will your overly high standards have got you except a bunch of unchangeable regrets?
If you’re fortunate – you will reach a tipping point where you get angry and realise this mindset is not doing you any good. Then you might realise that: ‘A good plan today is better than a great plan tomorrow’
If my hair gets messed up, I’m still valuable.’
‘Other people have just as many issues – and they fear lack of approval too.’
You might realise in some cases how shallow perfectionism is making you. Certainly you will continue to lose rather than develop an internal sense of who you are
and what you like.
Getting ticked off? Good.
Then you can jump rather than be pushed. Get some coaching with a cognitive-behavioural trained coach or therapist like me – click here for a
free session.
Read a decent CBT book like Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy by Avy Joseph.
If you’re unhappy about perfectionism, stop lying to yourself that you just have high standards. You know how you really feel inside.
An ideal state of mind to aim for is what is called ‘optimising’. It means simply making the best of the skills and resources you have.
In my opinion it also means you decide how much effort each situation really needs and behave accordingly. For example, does that report really need fancy graphics and have I got time to do them? Or will just the figures suffice?
When you start to accept yourself for exactly who you are you’ll feel a great sense of relief. Ironically, others will accept you more too.
Douglas Cartwright is a personal effectiveness coach who helps people overcomeper fectionism and procrastination and turn ‘intentions into actions’. He is
currently offering free ‘explore your breakthrough sessions’ to those serious about changing.
Recommended for helping with Perfectionism
Check out the Personal Powerpack, instantly downloadable and it will teach you how to set mental and emotional frames of esteem and
acceptance around your core self: www.personal-powerpack.com which can remove the need for perfectionistic tendencies.
Other books
